Good enough past and future, not enough present
“I should’ve completed one chapter of the course yesterday. As per my plan, only if I do a chapter a day, is the way to get it done in a month. But I couldn’t do it yesterday. Well, that means I should do two chapters tomorrow. Yes! Two chapters tomorrow will still be on track of one month completion.” I go through such conversations all the time. Put up a goal, split it into day-by-day tasks, skip a day because of some cause, topple the whole domino stack because I postponed it to tomorrow. What about today? Why am I never thinking about now?
It isn’t that I am not thinking of doing it now. I know I have to do it now. Still I plan to do it later in the day, or I regret that I didn’t do it at the earlier part of the day when I was free. I am still free now. What is stopping me?
It could be laziness. I am lazy to do it so I keep procrastinating. But it isn’t the laziness alone. It is part of the problem. Maybe I find peace in the aspect that “I can do” instead of “I will do”.
Can we do anything we believe? Yes. Should we do everything we believe? No. Doing everything makes us too diverted, and at least I don’t have enough focus to do a million things. That means I need to select one thing. But the moment I select one thing, I lose the hope that I can do everything.
This had been bugging me for a while. What am I good at? Writing, Teaching, Coding; might not be the best, but good enough. But, do I want to be a full time writer? I don’t have enough experience in writing. Do I want to be a full time teacher? Even if I love it, I don’t think I can earn as much as a coder. Do I want to be a full time coder then? Maybe I could be a breakthrough writer if I concentrate enough.
Rather than the answer, I love to remain in the question. If I am nothing, I am everything. But, it is more the other way around. The harder I hold onto the question, the more time I’m losing to become one. I should be one. I can’t be none.